Kevin’s mom: *hyperventilating into a paper bag* I can’t believe I left my son home alone, he has to be so terrified, my poor baby boy all alone I need to go get him-
Kevin: *actively planning to commit war crimes*
There are, at every turn, adults trying to help Kevin. He is not trapped in that house, he goes shopping like three times. He convinces the pizza delivery guy that there’s an old guy there trying to murder him. Kevin knows exactly what the fuck he’s doing and what he is doing is psychological warfare
Petition to make Home Alone a PG-13 movie at LEAST so the Wet Bandits can call Kevin a little shit on-screen
Actually no. Rated R. I want to watch Kevin kill a man
It started out as a random burglary but the SECOND Kevin shot that dude in the dick it became personal
I just realized that like. Until the end of the movie Kevin never figured out his family straight up forgot him at home. He truly thought he had fucking magicked them away with his wish that night and that he had magic powers. No wonder the kid was so full of hubris with those robbers he had the power of God and Santa on his side
Okay movie’s over. I have unironically and genuinely come to the conclusion that Kevin is a child prodigy and will possibly the most intelligent person on the planet once he’s full grown. Not only is he able to outsmart the Wet Bandits (great name), he outmaneuvers the police, shoplifts at least once, and rigs up multiple contraptions including a fake house party, a get-chickened fan+feather combo, and a homemade door-activated flamethrower. He does this all while convincing everybody that he’s just a tiny helpless kid.
In fact, at the beginning of the movie, Kevin has his entire extended family convinced he’s so helpless he can’t even pack a suitcase. I bet him attacking Bud and getting sent to his room early was a ploy to keep from having to share the bed with his bed-wetting cousin. At the end of the movie, one of his cousins says something like “Kevin went shopping? He can’t even tie his shoelaces!” This kid is playing his entire family like puppets and they have no idea
Like hell it does, that is reads like a 6k post at best. There’s no bit, no clown to gang up on. This post plays into the website’s deep appreciation of Kevin McAllister and his sadism but that can only take us so far. Study tumblr theory and come back to be the clown this post will ride to 40k if you truly want to bring us to victory. And also me to deep shame for having a viral post about Kevin fucking McAllister
Watching you suspiciously. Have I made myself the clown of the post again I cannot be three for three on this dude
Hey what are you doing. Hey.
Heritage Post
THIS POST HAS BEEN AROUND LESS THAN TWENTY FOUR HOURS
rating actual medieval names i have found as a medieval studies student but they get progressively more unhinged:
William de Appeltrefeld: 8/10 bc appeltrefeld sounds like a nice place to live. who wouldnt want to live in a field full of apple trees? points deducted cause there are like fifty bajillion williams in england
Luke de Luka, merchant of Luca: 6/10. ur parents really werent creative huh
Hugh de Wlonkeslowe: 7/10. looks like a straight person trying to keyboard smash. *laughs in english place names*
Roger Smert: 10/10 absolute banger of a name. does it make any sense? absolutely not! but you guys. i dont think you understand. smert!!
John de la Bro: 7/10. when ur such a bro that its literally ur name and 800 years in the future its all people know of u
Hugh Sad: 7/10. weve all been there buddy
Gaylarde de la Mote: 10/10. slay. i bet this guys mote was the gayest mote youve ever seen
Hugh de la Penne: 9/10. we stan a pasta man
Richard de Astlegh: 10/10. verily, he shall ne'er give thee up, ne'er let thee down, nor shall he run with great haste and desert thee, he shall ne'er cause thee to weep, ne'er bid you farewell, ne'er shall he speak wicked falshoods in thine ear or cause thee harm
Bindo Hug: 8/10. who is this man a hobbit???
Eudo la Zusche: 6/10. deadass sounds like something youd see in a really bad fantasy novel
William crisp: 7/10. w h a t.
Asser son of Licoriz: 7/10 there is so much going on here i dont even know what to tell you
character playlists aren’t for songs a character would listen to they are for songs that remind me of the character
“x wouldn’t listen to this” yeah no shit this is for when i want to listen to my shitty songs and think about my favorite little characters
Speak for yourself. I think Rouge the Bat would love my Rouge playlist. Every time I found a smooth jazz, acid jazz, nu jazz, or jazz house song that fit her style, I thought “damn Rouge would love this,” and added them to a playlist, specifically for her to listen to.
Okay. Well Rouge the Bat isn’t real. So I don’t think she’s gonna listen to that.
I love when people get delightedly flustered by compliments. It activates some kind of insane prey drive in me. Today at lunch we had this cute trans server in a well-coordinated outfit and she got so bashful when I complimented it that I immediately became a dachshund of light flirtation and could not physically stop myself from laying it on outrageously thick just to see her begin to lose her composure and turn entirely pink.
Oh, so that’s the other side of this…
blood in the water baybee!!!!
Blushing or giggling is like the equivalent of a gazelle limping across the Serengeti in front of a leopard.
